home alone. it's wednesday afternoon and i can say im really bored. i have been not speaking for about two hours now. not even chatting with anybody! this sucks. big time. i want to practice watercolor painting but then im too sad to do so. now i really hate wednesdays. now i want to poke myself with needles just to feel some pain and then let out an unhealthy scream so i can speak. but then i have to keep my promise not to keep on hurting myself anymore.
there's this song.. perfect with the theme of my post.. para sa'yo.

para sa'yo, akoy magbabago
kahit mahirap kakayanin ko
dahil para sa'yo handa akong magpakatino
laging isipin, lahat ay gagawin
basta para sa'yo.

i'd do anything, even get myself bored the whole day, its ayt..
still... im bored. im really bored. im singing by myself, and nobodys here to listen to me.. by the way, i have a new addiction.. the band paramita. really great. still, im bored because i only have one track of paramita..and ive been singing it the whole day..

what is effort?..

*The use of physical or mental energy to do something; exertion.
*A difficult exertion of the strength or will: It was an effort to get up.
*A usually earnest attempt: Make an effort to arrive promptly.

that is effort according to dictionary.com

let's examine the first definition.. the use of physical or mental energy to do something...wait..did you see any word starting with an L..then an O..and then VE?..did you see that word?..which means, effort can not be incorporated directly with love.. it doesnt mean that when you give effort on something, you give them your love. it's not automatically counted as that.. well, dont get me wrong..you still could give effort with love but what im saying is, effort is not love. therefore, when effort is given to you..the least you could do is give effort to say thanks in return.

enough about efforts.. let's talk about gifts.. gifts are given to people because of some reasons.. a birthday..an aniversary..a wedding perhaps..just a gift..or because you love the person..and lots of other stuff.. a gift on a birthday could be so much more.. errr... i dont like to continue with this..

im having a bad day today..and im not in the mood for writing just now..

listen, it doesnt mean that if you give much effort (even neglecting other things just to do one particular thing), you'd get a fair grade. you might not even get a grade at all.. well, expecting a grade is not bad, but you should not expect a 1 if you're not really sure on what the teacher is thinking.. get me?

one more thing.. getting a grade just because of pity is pathetic. i mean, if the professor is known for taking pity of students who make effort on things but are really bad at the subject...and you are one of the students that he gives a final grade of 3 because you showed effort, you must be really pathetic..

readers: sorry if this post is rather rude.. i just had a bad day.

music makes the people come together.

the headline has nothing to do with this post. i just thought it'd be fun starting the post with a line from a song.

sem break's nearly over.. i only have two more days to bum out. i'd like to watch a movie and bond with some friends but they're too busy making their sembreak end fine. so i start to think.. ilang bakla kaya ang nakakasakay sa MRT sa isang araw? aminado kaya sila na bakla sila?cross dresser ba? closet kaya? may boyfriend kayang kasama? papunta bang ayala? o sa cubao lang? naisip ko, walang patutunguhan ang ganitong tanong..ngunit minsa'y ang sarap isipin diba? masarap dahil nakakatawa. sa panandaliang dumapo sa aking isipan ang ganitong mga katanungan, ay nalimutan ko ang aking mga totoong problema..


nakita ko ang buwan (i saw the moon)
liniwanagan ang kalangitan (it lit the heavens above)
ngunit ito ay hindi masaya (but it was not happy)
sapagkat ito'y walang katuwang (because it has no companion)
puro bituing nagniningningan ang kasabayan (all there was were stars)

day came and the moon was gone (nag-umaga na, at naglaho ang buwan)
even stars were nowhere to be found (kahit mga bitui'y nagtago't nawala)
the sun shone as bright as it could (bumusilak ang araw nang sobrang liwanag)
to light the heavens and search for the moon (upang hanapin ang mahal nyang buwan)
but all there was were clouds (ngunit ulap lang ang kanyang nasilayan)

dapit hapon na't nagkita rin sila (sunset came and they finally met)
saglit na nagtitigan (stared at each other for a while)


sadya kong hindi tinapos ang tulang aking ginawa. hindi ko na kasi alam kung anong dapat maramdaman. masaya ba dapat ang tekstong ito dahil pati ang mga bagay sa kalangitan ay nagiibigan? o malungkot, dahil hindi ako ang buwan na mahal ng aking araw, bagkus ako ay isa lamang sa mga bituing nakakalat..na hindi ako karapatdapat makasama ng araw dahil hindi naman kami magkikita sa umaga, at sa gabi'y sya'y magpapaalam na.. kayo na ang bahalang magtapos ng aking gawa, huwag nyong isipin ang katapusan nito, datapwat damhin. hindi ko sinulat ang tekstong ito upang magbigay ng drama sa inyong buhay, kundi upang mang-aliw at dalhin kayo sa kalangitan ng aking imahinasyon. salamat sa paggugol ninyo ng oras sa aking gawa.

5th of November 2005. It's another hot day here in the Phil's and I've got nothing to do.. So, I started doing the usual.. get online..stalk people..read stuff..learn new things..for me, these are the only things that can help me pass a day and call it one. okay,okay...i'll cut the crap..that's not the story i am to write about..

I declare this day as a first.

I just finished reading an article made by somebody I know. I know, it is not propper to peak through somebody's file without permission, but i just did. and I'm not sorry.

I already know that story, but reading it as an article is so much more. It's like the author's pain was redirected to me. I'm not usually like this, having empathy for people is just not like me. but i dont know, i must have changed through time, changed because of people.

Now I know, what's going on. I already know how hard it is for the author to live not a single day without pain. I know how the author feels. I dont know if i could help the author in any way, but reading this article, i think the least thing i could do is understand, respect, and not let the author know that I read her article. I cant say that Im satisfied and fulfilled in reading this article, but im glad i read it. True,real, heartfelt stories never made me cry..but this one did. Weird, but i did cry.

I call this day as a first, the first time i truly realized that there could really be such pain hiding behind those rich,warm,happy homes. and yes, i can feel it, even though im not the one in the story.

5th of November, this is a first.